WHAT A WAY TO GO
by Mariane Holbrook 

Talk about your strange phone calls! 

"Hello, is this Mariane?" 

Yes, it is. 

I'm calling to ask if you've ever considered having a "green funeral." 

Well, actually I haven't thought of having ANY funeral. Do you know something I don't know? 

Do you know what a "green funeral" is? 

No, but a good guess would be that it's not the new "neon carrot" or "purple pizzazz" color. You don't work for the Crayola Company, do you? 

No, I work for the only preserve in the United States that promotes green funerals. We're located in South Carolina and we'd like to have you visit us. 

You mean upright or in a prone position? 

Very funny! But here are the facts about a "green funeral." A green burial is without embalming, it's environmentally-friendly, it's located in a nature preserve, using biodegradable, cardboard coffins and woolen shrouds, with trees rather than headstones as memorials. Best of all, it's affordable. 

OK I'll take two. Both for John. 

Seriously, Mariane, this is an issue we all will face at some point in our lives. 

Well, hopefully, I can put it off at least ‘til finish this custard pie. But tell me. Whatever happened to the time-honored tradition of spending $10,000 of money you don't have on a gaudy funeral, forcing your friends to order every last carnation in the flower shop, and having a three-day wake in honor of your departed loved one? And what's wrong with a $3500 marble headstone shaped like an 18-wheeler with a framed picture of the deceased on top, not to mention the burial plot that some poor woman had been making monthly payments on for the past 40 years? 

But a "green funeral" is more economical. Don't you get it? And you won't be polluting the ground with embalming fluids or polluting the air with sulfur dioxide and carbon dioxide from crematoriums. 

Sir, do you really like your work? Why not get a job as an exterminator at a pest control company, since you're so fascinated with death and dying? 

Why don't you and your husband come down to South Carolina for a weekend to look our place over? You can stay on the premises. 

In the cemetery? I don't even wanna know what your overnight accommodations are. You probably sleep outdoors on recycled hemp hammocks from Mother Earth Company with dried tofu oatmeal and goat's milk for breakfast. I think not.

Well then, can I interest you in some herbal sympathy cards with seeds inside and funeral lore printed on the back for only $5? Or how about a $10 T-shirt with "Funeral Prices Scare Me To Death" printed on it? These come with a free refrigerator magnet. I also have a Gory Coffee Mug with a vulture on it for $7 and a beautiful gold necklace and pendant that says "Do Not Resuscitate" for $49.95. Here's a wonderful book called "There's A Hair In My Dirt -A Worm's Story" for $9.95 and twelve life-size Skeleton Coffin Stencils for $8.00. Now what do you say, Mariane? 

OK, OK. So, if I order Martha Stewart's book, "Death By Eel and Eggplant," can I get a free copy of "Using Your Wok At A Wake?"