SHAKE, RATTLE AND ROLL

by Mariane Holbrook 

I think I’m hearing things.

I coulda sworn I heard a guy on TV talk about a new method of disposing of corpses, called “freeze-drying.”

Now, I admit some days my brain sheds more than its allotted number of cells so I may have been listening to a Folger’s coffee freeze-dried commercial. And when the guy talked about “body” he may have been referring to the “viscosity of coffee.”

Or whatever. (Google told me that and I have no idea what it means.)

But, so help me, today I read an article in the newspaper about freeze-drying bodies and you know if something is in print, it has to be true.

OK. Here’s the skinny on freeze-drying bodies:

Currently, we have only two methods of disposing of our remains: burial or cremation.

Both choices have flaws and are not at the top of our “Fun Things To Do” list.

They (whoever “they” are) had to come up with another alternative. So one night, after stumbling home in a drunken haze from a party, a famous scientist mumbled, to his wife, “I feel like I’m freezing to death,” whereupon she replied, “I can only wish.”

But after emerging from his stupor, he began giving serious thought to freezing cadavers, and more specifically, “freeze-drying” them. His wife shook her head and walked away, pondering how snugly he’d fit in her freezer.

Since cemeteries are running out of space for burials, the choice will soon be between cremation (which essentially means they bake you at 1600 degrees F until the toothpick comes out clean, I guess.) and freeze-drying.

Since cemeteries are running out of space for burials, the choice will soon be between cremation (which essentially means they bake you at 1600 degrees F until the toothpick comes out clean, I guess.) and freeze-drying.

This new procedure involves freezing the body to 196c in liquid nitrogen until it’s brittle, then shaking it on a vibrating mat until it disintegrates into powder. (No, I am not making this up!)

So, what we have here essentially is a choice between Shake and Bake.

For those who still can’t come to grips with shaking or baking and still prefer the comfort of underground living, we could plant bodies one on top of the other (double-decker) or bunk bed style. But, as claustrophobic as I am, I’d die if I had another box put over mine. There’s just so much air space down there!

Or we could plant bodies vertically instead of horizontally to conserve cemetery space. But speaking for myself, I get tired standing for any length of time and I’ve heard there’s not a lot of room to sit down in those things.

Before I make a decision about freeze-drying, I need to find out if I add water to my frozen powder remains in 5 years, will I come back to life re-hydrated?

Could you try it and let me know?