NIX ON NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS

by Mariane Holbrook

I have suffered persecution for last New Year’s resolution
Which I vowed and took a pledge that I would keep.
When the threat of execution seemed the only good solution
I decided then and there to take the leap.

I had promised I would diet and I’d try hard to be quiet,
Never mentioning the chocolate cake I missed.
So I exercised by running so I’d end up looking stunning.
Not a person saw me hiding my clenched fist.

I ate tons of food for rabbits and tried breaking my bad habits
Of just eating any food that was in sight.
I ate so much lettuce salad that my skin turned very pallid
And my hair became so dry I was a fright.

I drank tons and tons of water like a cow that’s going to slaughter
So I slogged my bloated self to our old couch.
There I sat and thought of eating but I knew it would be cheating.
It was clear I was becoming an old grouch.

I’ve decided to forget it, though I know that I’ll regret it,
So I’m heading to the kitchen for some pie.
I’ll enjoy a little let-up, it was nothing but a set-up, 
If you ask me how I’m doing, I’ll just lie.