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EYELASH
TRANSPLANTS?
by Mariane Holbrook
I need $8,000.
“Not a problem,” you
say. “What do you need it for?”
“For eyelash
transplants,” I respond.
“You’re nuts,” you
say.
Well, it makes as much
sense as my shelling out $11,200 to my dentist who, using his trusty little
chain saw, sawed off part of my lower jawbone, plugged in his hydraulic drill
(or whatever you do with a hydraulic drill) and bore three holes in my lower jaw
into which he screwed 3 foot long titanium thingies. Then he sutured me up and
took all my money at gun point.
But the real reason I need
new eyelashes at my age of ummm well 40, give or take a few dozen years, is
because I never had long eyelashes and I want some. Being lazy, I am hoping for
effortless beautification. My son has eyelashes long enough to sweep a gym floor
but he got them from some other gene pool than mine.
"Longer, thicker
lashes are a ubiquitous sign of beauty,” said Dr Alan Bauman, a leading
proponent of eyelash transplants who stands to make a killing off the procedure.
Well, if there’s one
thing I need to worry about, it’s my ubiquitous sign of beauty.
The procedure, as I
understand it, is something like this: a small incision is made at the back of
the scalp to remove 30 or 40 hair follicles, which are carefully sewn one by one
on to the patient's eyelids. Only light sedation and local anesthetics are used
and the cost is around $4000 an eye.
Is that a bargain or is
that a bargain?
But I have a few questions.
If Dr. Bauman removes 40 hair follicles from the back of my scalp and
transplants them onto my eyelids, that means the eyelashes will keep on growing
at the same rate as my regular hair, right? So how long can I let them grow
before they need to be cut by an eyelash stylist? Since my hair is a little
naturally curly, will the stylist have teeny-weeny hair straighteners which do
one lash at a time? I don’t want half-frizzy and half straight eye lashes!
Another worry is that my
hair is sorta, kinda, a little bit naturally gray. Ok, so I lied. If it
weren’t for Lady Clairol I’d never leave the house. So when I get my hair
dyed, do I have to dye my new eyelashes, too? Will there be a little eyelash dye
kit available to match the rest of my dyed hair? I can’t have half gray
eyelashes and half brown. People might gawk. (more than usual)
Another thing, the average
lifespan of an eyelash is 150 days. Does that mean I have to shell out another
$8,000 every 150 days to replace all those lashes that went down the shower
drain?
There is no way to say this
delicately but believe it or not, most of us have squiggly, microscopic
worm-like mites living in the roots of our eyelashes. The mites have tiny claws,
and needlelike mouthparts for eating skin cells. Their bodies are layered with
scales, which help them anchor themselves in the follicle and the mite's
digestive system results in so little waste that the mite doesn't even have an
excretory opening.
Well, thank goodness! But
that’s really TMI (too much information)!
So, do I want to expose my
innocent hairs from the back of my scalp to the worm-like mites that are living
in my eyelash roots? Compassion, even for a hair, has to kick in here somewhere!
You ‘spose there’s a
better way to spend $8,000 I don’t even have?
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