DON’T FOLLOW THE RECIPE

by Mariane Holbrook

When God passed out cooking skills, he turned to an angel and sighed, "Forget Mariane; she’ll never in this world get the hang of it." Which is why John and I eat out a lot.

My Southern family and friends haven’t helped, either. They know I’m a literalist and I follow their recipes exactly as written.

For instance, my friend Betty gave me her famous potato salad recipe which ended: "Chill for one hour." I sat on the porch in freezing 38 degree weather for exactly 60 minutes and still don’t know what that had to do with my potato salad. Her instructions then said to "spread out on a bed of crisp salad greens," but I refused. My mama would consider that very unladylike or worse.

Betty’s recipe for steamed cabbage advised me to "boil head 10 minutes then put in a baking dish." If I boil my head for 10 minutes, I won’t even have the sense to find a baking dish. What kind of masochistic reasoning is that?

And I refused outright to try her Corn Bake. After combining all the ingredients, her recipe said, "Stand in pan of hot water and bake ‘til firm." Oh sure; right after I boil my head for 10 minutes!" 
But Betty’s Jello Cranberry Delight recipe called into question her rational thinking. After folding in all the fruits and nuts, she told me to "turn into a Jello mold." Listen, I could turn into a three-headed seahorse sooner than I could turn into a Jello mold.

My friend Sue’s recipes are even worse. Her recipe for Luscious Lemon Pie sounds good and the recipe is a cinch to follow, but when she advised me to "fit loosely into an 8-inch pie pan," I had to laugh. I mean, I’ve been dieting and all that, but it’s gonna be another month or so before I fit loosely or snugly into any size pan. 

I tried making Sue’s Deep Dish Peach Pie but when the recipe said, "turn on a floured board three times," I just gave up. Sue goes to aerobics and also works out in a gym. She could turn several times on a floured board with ease and facility and even shower after-wards. I have better things to do.

I didn’t even attempt Beverly’s French Fried Onion Rings. Good grief! Her recipe instructed me to "Soak in whole milk for a half hour, then fry in hot fat." Nah! I don't think so. Something tells me this could sting.

The recipe Jackie gave me for Pecan Rolls was a joke. After cooking the mixture, she ordered, "Spread out a line of nuts about 5 inches wide and roll in it." I didn’t do this because of what John might say and I have enough problems with him laughing as it is.

I loved Jill’s recipe for Tomato and Cucumber salad but I drew the line when it said, "toss and turn and serve without dressing." Good grief. What if I have guests? Doesn’t modesty kick in here somewhere?

I was offended by Janet’s recipe for Lime Pickles. It flatly states, "Wash good and stand in ice water for 3 hours." I’ll have you know I bathe once a month whether I need it or not. I’m outraged. If she has a problem with my hygiene, she should come directly to me and tell me. What kind of friend is that?

But the recipe which really made my mouth drop wide open came from a friend who wanted me to try her favorite chicken recipe. She wrote, "then put your breasts in the crock pot and cover well. Set the temperature on low and cook for 9 hours and serve over noodles."

NO WAY. Not in this lifetime. What’s Kentucky Fried Chicken’s phone number?